Toxins all around!

This is Priya’s story. The story about her journey to happiness. A journey from toxic life to a happy healthy life.

Priya is a smart and beautiful girl doing her graduation. She plays violin, reads a lot, studies well and she is the apple of her parents’ eyes. Maybe that’s why her parents didn’t oppose when she started a relationship with her classmate. He was her good friend, clearly smitten and head over heels in love with her. They always texted each other and he kept on pestering her lovingly for staying in touch always.

Graduation years passed by, Priya concentrated on two things only – her studies and her boyfriend. She didn’t have time for anything else. She had exams to prepare for, interviews to be attended and at night only, she got time to talk to her boyfriend who was missing her more and more each day. Priya got placed in 2 multinational companies much to her parents’ delight and Priya was very excited too. She had so many hopes on the new prospects, new city and everything. But her boyfriend was sad, as they will be in a long distance relationship now. Anyway, Priya decided to take up the opportunity and somehow she felt guilty inside as she was leaving against her boyfriend’s wishes.

After a long tear-filled goodbye and so much drama, she left for her job and from then on, her life became hell. Job was great, friends were great, but she was imprisoned in her cell phone. She felt that she had to be in contact with him always – either though constant texting, or calls in order to make up for the guilt. That was when her relationship started becoming toxic. When her friends went out together, she stayed home to talk to him. She gave up playing violin, as he wanted her to play only for him, even though she loved the attention and the praises. Everything out of love only, anyways. Somehow nothing seemed to satisfy her boyfriend. She never realized how much toxic her relationship was becoming and how deep she was in the pit. Once her phone became dead and she hadn’t taken the charger with her. On returning to her home, he bashed her and made her cry for an hour on the phone. She was fed up of everything – her job, her friends who were having way more fun than her. She felt resentful towards everybody. She kept focusing on her love life only.

Finally, all this took a toll on her health. She was suffering and her parents advised her to quit her job and come back home. She gladly agreed. But even then her boyfriend kept on abusing her mentally and verbally. One fine day, she took a stand for herself, switched off her phone and broke up with him. Oddly she felt relaxed and slept peacefully at night.

Then Priya pursued all her dreams happily, found love again, somebody who respects her, proud to show her off and lived happily ever after. Moral of the story – It takes only a moment’s decision to break up with toxic people in your life.

PS: Toxic boyfriends don’t even deserve a fake name!!

What if ?

Little post update!Recently, I’ve been caught up in my busy life – work, family etc and all these were making me feel so overwhelmed. I’ve been feeling really low these days when I found my old diary in my cupboard. I simply read through random entries and instantly I felt better. Some of my entries were really enjoyable when I read now…for example 60 things I love about my life. An I’ve taken the pleasure to number it and write down everything that I love. I haven’t been writing regularly since marriage and I regretted that instantly. Priorities change, but you should be your first priority always. That should not have changed.

I found this small poem I wrote in my old diary and I’m sharing it here. Can’t help smiling at the hopeless romantic that I was before marriage! (Or maybe I had too much time and romance novels!)

What if ?

What if I died today

and couldn’t meet you one last time

What if I lost my memory today

and forgot all our favorite moments

What if I became deaf today

and could never hear your voice calling out my name

What if I lose my mind today

and couldn’t recognize you anymore

What if I lost my voice today

and couldn’t sing a last song for you

What if all these never happen

and you never knew how much you meant for me..

So, what if your problems are never ending, keep calm and hug your mom! Keep your loved ones close, tell them you love them and enjoy all the little things you love in your life!!

Out with a Bang!

As I watched the final episode of The Big Bang Theory, officially the longest sitcom ever(12 seasons, started in the year 2007), I became a bit dewy-eyed. I couldn’t help but wonder, how many of us in the real world will actually befriend Sheldon Cooper? In a world where everybody wants to be praised and appreciated without any good reason, imagine a particularly nasty person who puts you down always, behaves as though everything about you is beneath him, self-centered and bossy – all might have stopped imagining such a nightmare. Hard to believe but this person rooted us to our televisions for 12 years. Jim Parsons, you are an epic, a miracle or some sort of acting God.

Image result for the big bang theory

Each person has one or the other quirks, and intolerance will neither help us nor others. I am really happy with the way the show ended, being a motivation for all the nerds out there, showing lonely teenagers that they can have a fun life too. And it starts when you meet the right people. And that girls can also have a career in Science and succeed. The only thing I couldn’t quite agree on was that Penny got pregnant and she is happy about it. The woman didn’t want a child and all of a sudden she had to be pregnant and happy mostly because the fans wanted to see the finale in that way. What happened to the husband and wife both having a say in the decision and all that stuff!

The final episode shows how beautifully the character of Dr Sheldon Cooper has evolved to the unrealistic/surreal moment of ‘ I love you all ‘ coming from him. His accomplishments were made possible because his friends supported him despite being so irritable. In real world, how many of us will support Sheldon? In reality, the only things growing in the world today are intolerance and landfills. Life won’t be easy for Sheldon out here in the real world.

Lets think how real life would be for Sheldon in reality.

  • First of all he will never get a roommate who sticks with him for 12 years – there goes Leonard out of the picture.
  • Sheldon will be the ‘ nerd-next-door ‘ or ‘ the freaky neighbor ‘ for Penny
  • As Leonard is out of the picture, Howard and Raj will never be acquainted with Sheldon
  • There goes Amy and Bernadette out of the show
  • Sheldon might have survived college somehow but I wonder how he got through the interview at Caltech
  • Even if he did manage to get the job, can he survive workplace issues with colleagues like us? I highly doubt whether his career will be successful at all
  • He may probably grow old in his apartment, sitting on his spot on the couch playing video games without any friends or girlfriend. How sad would that be!

You’ve given me lot of fond memories, The Big Bang Theory! And I never believed I could love any other sitcom after FRIENDS.

Also the Goddamn elevator was fixed, finally!

Damaged Goods

Today I am writing about my best friend in college. Let’s call her D. D was my only good friend in college who genuinely cared about me. I had lots of friends, but everybody has that one best friend. We were inseparable in college. We took the same bus to college, sat next to each other, had lunch together and did everything together basically. I was so lucky I found a good friend and a good heart in her. She was a savior for me as I was feeling so left out and alone in college. We shared food, laughs, gossips and so many fun moments.

We prepared for exams together. D always envied me getting good marks, and she said it openly to my face. I liked that, it made me feel good. She made fun of me being studious and I joined in the laughs. I helped her learn Microprocessors and Computer Programming which was difficult for her. One thing I liked about D was that she was very honest. If she didn’t like my dress, she told it to my face. If she thought my hairstyle was boring, she told it to my face. Also she told me she envied my good looks, body and the fact that I seemed to be quite popular among the boys! (She was quite wrong, it turned out later)

D was one of the only-friends-with-girls types in a mixed class. She wanted to be friends with the boys too, she told me. I gladly introduced her to the fun friends I had and they welcomed her to our circle with open hands. We completed each other in a way when I think back now. During the study holidays we went to each others’ home and studied together. Our moms made us lunch and snacks and we were like one family. Her brothers became my brothers, my brother became hers and we all led a happy life. As all good things never last, our good days also didn’t.

Infosys came for campus placement in our college in the final year. I got in, she didn’t. I helped her in preparing, but the competition was just too hard for her. Standard Chartered came for placement then, again I got placed and she didn’t. I tried to help her again but she seemed to dislike me helping her. I sensed that her pride hurt when I helped her like a know-it-all so I drew back a little. I thought that letting her figure out on her own will be better. And she did. After so many companies, she got placed in a not-so-bad yet not-so-great company. I congratulated her and she thanked me in a somewhat cold manner.

By then D was in a relationship with a guy in my class who had three different girlfriends in the past three years. I didn’t approve of it, though it was none of my business. As we were close friends who were brutally honest with each other, I told her she is doing a mistake. I thought that Mr Lover will hurt her and in turn she hurt me by saying that I don’t know him well. True. I didn’t know him. I didn’t know her either. Our friendship was effectively and officially ruined, and by the time our college life ended, we were like complete strangers who just talked politely to each other just for the sake of showing others.

I never bothered to keep in touch with D, I was angry and sort of believed that she had always been jealous of me. I went to another city in another state; I learned that she didn’t accept her job offer after all. We all were busy with our own lives. I made new relations, failed in many new relations, got into so many messes. Life was so happening with me, one day she calls me and invites me for her wedding the next day. She broke up with Mr. Romeo and this was an arranged marriage. I was kind of caught off-guard. That night, I thought about the deep friendship we had. If it hadn’t turned out this way, I would have been dancing on her wedding eve rather than brooding alone in my room at night. I didn’t go to her wedding. I couldn’t.

I joined college again for my Masters degree and I gathered from her Whatsapp statuses that she is a housewife and staying in some North Indian city. Somewhere I felt smug that my life is more happening than hers. After my Masters degree, I got placed in another MNC, I got engaged and also got married. I invited her for my marriage, one of those polite phone calls you make to people whom you don’t care about. She didn’t come, as expected. After 2 more years, one fine day I got a call from her. After 8 years, I talked to her. Properly. The long time gap has changed her. She was more mature, so was I. She asked about my baby and I was genuinely shattered knowing that D was having infertility issues. We talked for a long time, texted for a whole day after that. She promised to come see me and my baby. I told my mom, D is coming. But she didn’t.

I didn’t feel anger towards her for breaking her promise. I felt angry at myself for not keeping in touch with her. For not forgiving the silly mistakes of a 20-year old. For not raising myself to the situation. For ruining a relationship. For not mending a simple problem. For giving up on my best friend. For being immature when I shouldn’t have been. I should have stayed with her all these years, all through her sadness, all through her struggles. I shouldn’t have lost hope in our relation. As for now, even though I want to, I can’t mend it. Its way too much damaged. Some damaged goods keep haunting your wardrobe, like that dress you can’t wear and you can’t throw away.

A Mother’s day thought

This is my first mother’s day as a mother. I’m still debating whether motherhood agrees with me. There are some days when I actually wonder whether my baby is so unfortunate to have me as his mother. And some days make me feel like a super-mom. During days of these roller-coaster emotions, what push me forward are those toothy smiles, the cute bums and the knowledge that a human being is entirely dependent on me. So when my instagram feed is filled with people (everybody in bollywood /mollywood /Hollywood) posting selfies with their mothers, I ask myself. Is motherhood so great? Or is it the new fad among people?

I remember dreaming about tiny hands and feet floating in amniotic fluid inside my stomach when I was pregnant. I imagined the baby swimming in his own little swimming pool and I used to be so amused when he did little back flips inside me. I still remember the fine morning when I woke up and found that my labor started. I went to the hospital, the negative thoughts injected into my mind during the last 9 months echoing inside my head. I could hear snide comments by elders like “You won’t have a normal delivery unless you do household chores”, or some old grandmother boasting to me about how she went to work on a farm when she was 9 months pregnant, or some old uncles advising on how reading the puranas while you are pregnant can make your baby a good soul. Now that was enough –No uterus, no opinion uncles! I went to the labor room silently praying that be it normal or C-section, let the baby be healthy and fine.

Despite the fact that I did not do any household chores, nor did I go farming in the ninth month, by God’s grace I delivered our baby boy in a few hours. So I became a mother with a great start. I was super proud of myself and even felt that I am coming out of the labor room holding a trophy. Literally. Little did I know that a good start never gurantees what follows..

Little Sreeram was born 3 weeks early than his due date. As our baby weighed less than the coveted 3 kgs of normal baby weight, the so called elders found the reason of his low birth weight to be the early labour, which was triggered by the stomach problem I had in the preceding week. I had a small bout of food poisoning in the week before, after eating some homemade food. As the experts of our family discussed on and on about the chubbiness that might have been gained had he spent 3 more weeks in his mother’s womb, the new mother in me gazed at my baby and wondered whether my baby was too thin. I felt the winning mother in my mind putting down her trophy seeing that Sreeram had tiny thighs, hands and feet. I felt sad seeing my baby on the very next day, thanks to the birth experts in town.

Moving forward, Sreeram cried and cried and cried. All day and all night. Living in a joint family, I never realized raising a baby will be this difficult. As soon as the baby starts crying, heads poked around my door when I was breast feeding, when I am sleeping, whenever I was doing anything. Thanks to Sreeram, I never slept continuously. I had time only to feed, burp and change his diapers. I wasn’t even allowed to close our bedroom door at night (the baby needs a lot of air circulation apparently).  There were round table discussions and meetings in the family as to discuss why my baby is crying. And the baby experts came up with numerous reasons – mother having not enough milk, mother keeping the fan in a high speed thereby making the baby cold, mother not feeding the baby in fixed intervals, mother using too thick clothes to swaddle him, mother not recognizing whether he is having a stuffed nose..and the list goes on.

The new mother in me hung her head in shame and humiliation, thinking that I never deserved to be a mother, in the first place. And I felt this small bubble of anger grow a tad bigger in size. Everybody in the world had opinions on how I should take care of my baby, how I should not put baby powder or kajal on him, when to start solids, when to feed him etc etc. But the sleepless nights were completely the mother’s responsibility. When the baby falls sick, its always because the mother overfed him, the mother was careless while bathing him or whatever. Again the mother in me felt insulted to the core. The bubble of anger grew in size and it burst when the husband lightly prodded it. He dismissed all the anger and my anxieties in a single word, hormones!

On this mother’s day, I am fighting all these again with one hand and a baby in the other hand. I don’t want anybody to wish me on Mother’s day. I just want to be treated kindly as a mother.  The only things I crave for the most these days are a sound sleep and peace of mind. So on mother’s day, treat any mothers especially the young mothers kindly. Do not judge them, advise them or nag them. Give them privacy, give them freedom with their babies, basically impart confidence in them. Let them decide what is good for their own babies. Keep your baby knowledge to yourselves, we will ask if we need. Just let the mothers enjoy raising their babies.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Husband or Game of Thrones?

Everyday we have to make so many choices. We choose one dress over another. We chose idlies over dosas. We chose cab rides instead of bus rides. Our days are full of one or the other choices, some we make consciously others unconsciously. Does our choices define what sort of a person we are? Are we labelled according to the choices we made/make/going to make?

Like any other day, I went to office after a long weekend, brimming with energy, pumped at the prospect of getting some work done, rested and happy. I chose not to fall into the traps of Monday blues, I chose to ignore the latest episode of Game of thrones at my fingertips ( chanting to myself, “I’ll watch it at night after putting the baby to bed.”). Things went well as planned, I reached home, and my fingers were aching to take my mobile and start watching the episode. I had shut myself off from the internet to block the spoilers. Every ounce of my restraint were put to test, I faced the feeding session of our baby calmly, put the baby to bed after singing lullabies lovingly and finally took my mobile and sat down to watch ‘The long night”.

The episode started off as every fan’s dream come true and I prayed that Please let me watch it till the end without the baby waking up / internet going down / power going off (it was raining!). I was enjoying myself so much when the husband came to call me for dinner. Something about my reaction to being interrupted in the midst of a war for mundane things like dinner (there are people being killed by ice zombies man!) must have irked him, he left the room with a smug face.

Of course I paused the video and went to serve him dinner. Not because I’m a dutiful textbook wife – because I felt guilty about choosing game of thrones over my sweet better half. As I served him dinner and ate with him, I remembered the unmarried me a few years back, skipping dinner altogether to watch Game of Thrones. I’m happy my choices changed. My choices make others happy. And that makes me happy.

Let your choices be a cause of happiness to you as well as others around you. That’s all it takes to have a happy life.

Beauty and The Inner Beast

The first blog. The first of so many things have gone way too bad for me, so I’m not putting much hopes. So this is my first leap of faith towards a seemingly impossible dream of writing a book someday. My better half suggested, why not try a blog. Well Mister, this has been in my mind for so long but I was too much shy/not confident to let people read my articles. The husband is all praise for whatever I write, for he’s actually a sweet soul but hey, come on I’m one of those perpetual hiding women in this matter…hide from your ex-boyfriend, hide from your old teacher, hide from your boss in the super market…hide from your fears to be precise.

The last time I tried something new was yesterday. It was my cousin’s wedding ceremony and all our family had gathered for the function. The bride’s mom (my aunt) gifted me a beautiful new kanjeevaram silk saree to grace the occasion in. Having a 9 month old baby makes it impossible to get ready on my own from home, so I decided to find a beauty salon for the tedious chore of draping a saree. So I reached the parlour an hour early. The bride was getting ready in the same parlour, so it was absolute mayhem in there. My first mistake – I should have chosen another parlour. But, as professionals in one of the most competitive fields, some ladies gave me their attention and started to drape the saree, do my hair and makeup.

As they were doing the final touches, to my horror, I realized that I haven’t lost my maternity weight gain as I believed(or wanted to believe). I looked like a 35 year old lady with big fat arms, and big..well, everything! My self confidence shattered down like a glass dropped to the floor and my hair looked absolutely hideous all poufed up. The women who did my makeup assured me I looked pretty, but I couldn’t bring myself to step out of the room.

My husband called to pick me up, directed me to come out and wait for him on the opposite side of the road, which included crossing a busy street with lots of people staring at me, to add to my horrors of the day. I prayed for my husband to reach fast, while i deliberately ignored anybody passing nearby me. The humiliating wait barely lasted 5 minutes though it felt like 5 hours. My knight in shining armour came to rescue me, looking so young and handsome (damn you men! How easy for you to become a father!) and I hopped in. For the sweet soul I told he was, he said I looked so beautiful and that he remembered our wedding day. And I wanted to cry when I remembered how slim and pretty I was, once upon a time.

As I walked into the auditorium, my mind in a turmoil…suddenly I felt calm. When did I become so shallow as to panic about my looks? Here I am, a 28 year old woman, well educated, working in a multi national company, earning an income of my own, having a husband and a son who loves me, a family that supports me, and so I’m not as slim as I used to be. Big deal. I gave birth to a human being not a year ago, and I’m proud of the weight that came with it. So I walked in, head held high, holding the hands of a man I love, believing that everybody thinks I’m beautiful. Period.